Don't you love how God works? When He is trying to get your attention in a certain area, He filters into every area of your life, gently raises His voice, then pursues you with more grace than you humanly understand.
As I left Norfolk before Christmas, I knew I had to leave my car here and work out some rides to all the different places I was to be over break. A quick itinerary: Norfolk to NJ to Baltimore to Pittsburgh to Morgantown to Norfolk. This alone was incredibly hard for me. What would I do without my car?! How could I 'escape' if I needed to? I knew I'd have to rely on people to get me to where I needed to go. So God prepared my heart for the three week journey. Teaching me about the importance of community and trusting others. This world tells us to be self-sufficient. That we need to make our OWN way and not to rely on others. The bible teaches a very different message:
"All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need." Acts 4:32-35
I knew I was to submit to God and trust Him and His people.
After my eventful ride home to NJ, recall that here, I celebrated Christmas with my family. A particularly blessed time at home which I am so thankful for. I had the chance to introduce the fam to some fun games including BananaGrams, Mexican Train, the infamous 'Bowl Game', and even tried a new little ice-breaker out on them that I found in Real Simple Mag (The Penny Game). They think I am crazy, I am sure.. haha
Shortly after Christmas I was headed to Baltimore for Campus Crusade's annual Christmas Conference. I was able to spend a couple hours with my older bro, who agreed to take me to the NJ Turnpike to meet my ride to Baltimore. We made small talk mostly... but also bonded over some Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. Thanks Lord, for catchy teen pop star lyrics.
While I was at the conference I spent a good amount of time on and off the phone with my mom about my grandma (who I call memere, pronounced mem may) who was in the hospital in Florida. By Monday, she headed to Florida to be with her, and by Tuesday morning we found out that memere didn't have much time left. A few very special people helped me get things in order to get to Florida within a few hours. Between packing, getting a flight, getting to the Baltimore airport, covering my conference duties, and all the hugs and words of concern... I am so thankful for everyone who helped out.
While I sat in the airport, my make-up was clearly wiped from my face from tears. I looked like a wreak. I happened to be sitting next to a woman, probably in her sixties, who was also flying into Orlando unplanned as the result of a sick relative. So there I sat with this woman who I just met. She understood me, I understood her. Our emotions the same: uncertainty, sadness, pain, fatigue, anxiety. I wanted to hug her.
So there I sat in the Baltimore Airport, at gate D5, feeling very small. Being confronted with the possibility of losing my beloved memere. In so many ways it didn't make sense. I had just talked to her, she always bounces back from things like this. Her spirits are always positive. She loves life. Loves her husband and her daughter and her grandkids. She loves living in the Florida sunshine and beating the ladies down at the clubhouse in poker. She loves to shop and send mail. She is funny and quick witted. She loves to spoil her grandkids and tell them that she loves them 'very much.' She is a good listener. She just learned how to send text messages! Someone with so much life left to live, none of this harsh reality made any sense. I board the plane and soon arrive in the Florida sunshine. Needless to say, it didn't feel as wonderful as it usually does.
The next twenty-four hours were as raw as they get. I will cherish this time I had with my memere, mom, and pepere forever. It isn't something you can prepare yourself for. You don't know the right emotions to feel, you don't know the right words to say. You just get the chance to experience it vulnerably and wholly. Its a chance to let down your guard and embrace it.
I have been overwhelmed by the grace of God throughout the past week and a half. When you are confronted with the death of a loved one, you are forced to let go of control. In earthly terms (bear with me) death is the end of life. Nothing beats death. Its the end to all. There are so many things we allow ourselves to have control over. We choose to love or not to love. To forgive or not forgive. To care or not care. But with death, we don't get to choose. Death ultimately wins in the end. Ultimately, its a part of life. Its not fair, but it is what it is.
But here is our hope and resolution to death. Jesus Christ. He is the reason that we can look at death in a different light. A speaker once said "Americans are far removed from death. We relate to death in abstract forms." Death sucks without Christ. But what Jesus preached is that death brings life. The resurrection of Christ has power over death. As Christians we are to humble ourselves, we are to lay down our rights. We must die to ourselves. Because through death we then experience life. Christ had to die to be able to overcome death. When He died life was changed forever, death was swallowed up by life.
"We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." -2 Corinthians 4:10-12
The speaker goes on to say that each day is to be filled with little deaths which include trials, humblings, sacrifices, struggles. When we become small, Christ becomes great. When we allow Christ to become great, His resurrecting power is magnified. He are humbled and begin to look more like Him.
So in this season of wrestling with the death of my memere, the Lord has given me great hope. He reminds me of his sovereignty in this, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28. In trials and suffering, and in pain and confusion He is in control. For that, I am thankful.
Isn't she beautiful?
I love you Mem.
I am excited for you to receive your new (pain free) body in heaven!
the completion of the journey in Part 3
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